Finding Balance in Parenting: Nurturing Potential Without Crushing Spirits
Could be a real challenge in nowadays' world
As I sit at my kitchen table, watching my children do their homework I remember a quote from Haruki Murakami's "Kafka on the Shore":
"Adults constantly raise the bar on smart children, precisely because they're able to handle it. The children get overwhelmed by the tasks in front of them and gradually lose the sort of openness and sense of accomplishment they innately have. When they're treated like that, children start to crawl inside a shell and keep everything inside. It takes a lot of time and effort to get them to open up again. Kids' hearts are malleable, but once they gel it's hard to get them back the way they were."
This quote peculiarly affects me. It triggers me at the same time, since I have been “motivated” this way to “become better”, to “become like the best”. Also, I've witnessed firsthand the delicate balance between nurturing my children's potential and inadvertently overwhelming them with expectations.
I’ve seen many cases where it was recommended to make kids try many activities to find something they enjoy. This can be done for the sole reason of discovery and also for bragging's sake about your kids’ extracurriculars and any prizes they might bring home. It’s twisted.. somehow.
In this newsletter, we’ll be exploring
The effects of parental expectations on children, and
How to nurture their authentic growth.
The pressure cooker of expectations
As a mother of three, I've seen how differently each of my children responds to challenges and expectations.
My oldest, a natural achiever, seems to thrive under pressure. However, I noticed last year how his shoulders slumped a little more each day, the weight of expectations—both his own and others'—bearing down on him.
My middle child, sensitive and creative, wilts under too much pressure, retreating into his imagination when the world becomes too demanding. He also just puts his hands over his ears sometimes, and that’s a clear message for us that we need a different approach with him.
My youngest, still blissfully unaware of the academic rat race ahead, approaches each day with full enthusiasm. She often tries to make up homework for herself while her brothers are doing theirs, or repeatedly asks when she will join swimming classes while we’re watching her brothers. It’s all in the logistics, of course. She is not yet signed up for extracurriculars outside the kindergarten. At her age, the most important activity for her is play. And no, at 4 years old, she is not reading yet 😳. I see so many mothers in parenting groups worried that their small kids don’t want to write and learn their letters yet. 🤔
I remember the day I realized I was part of the problem.
I had been pushing my oldest to take on more advanced math classes, sign up for extracurricular activities, and maintain his position at the top of his class. One evening, as I was urging him to finish a particularly challenging assignment, he burst into tears. "Mom," she said, "I'm tired of always having to be the best. Can't I just be me?"
His words were a wake-up call. They struck me hard. Right there and then, I realized that in my eagerness to see him succeed, I had been slowly chipping away at his innate joy of learning and discovery.
So I stopped.
We slowed down, together.
I asked what he would genuinely prefer to continue and what he would rather not. He is now thriving, also having time to play and to just be, without doing anything if he chooses to.
The research perspective
Recent studies support Murakami's observation about the potential harm of excessive expectations. A 2021 study published in Frontiers in Psychology examined the interactions between child personality and parenting about child well-being. The researchers found that positive parenting and involvement were protective factors for children with certain personality traits, but only when those traits were at low levels. In other words, children who were naturally more open or conscientious didn't benefit as much from positive parenting, perhaps because they were already meeting high expectations.
Another study from 2024 (published in the Journal of Child and Family Studies) highlighted the dangers of parental expectations becoming mixed with maladaptive perfectionism in children. That means that when parents set excessively high standards, children may develop a fear of negative evaluation. This, in turn, is leading to anxiety and reduced ability to think critically about their own thought processes.
Finding the middle ground
These findings, and also my experience with the kids and as a kid myself, have led me to reassess my approach to parenting.
I've learned that it's crucial to: